With Valentine’s Day/weekend just past so my of our subliminal (and not so subliminal) advertising has centered around showing those around us that we love them. What doesn’t get any mention during this time is a harder subject to face….it’s about looking within to love yourself.
I made a promise to y’all in the beginning of this blog that I wanted to keep things light; however, sometimes real life has a way of interfering and demanding that a serious topic be addressed – this is one of those times.
I have made no secret that I struggled with anxiety and depression and self- esteem issues definitely factor into this. It is in these times when we are being told to share our love that we might give so much of it away (and maybe receive so little back in return) that we come away from this time of year emotionally and mentally fatigued. I certainly have been feeling that way. For the past few weeks I have been sequestering myself in my house more and more – to the point where even my father has made mention of it and he seldom comments of these things.
Some of it is that things have been so hectic and draining at my day job that once I get home that is my sanctuary and refuge and I really don’t want to leave it, unless absolutely necessary, and even then not always joyfully.
Some of it definitely is my actual OCD kicking in where I am enjoying crocheting so much that I just want to hang out and do that in the free time that I have. Partially, it’s that I only have about 70 odd days until Awesome Con and I am determined to have product to sell, unlike at Rhode Island where my pickings were slim to none.
But it also is just my brain saying no, we are done going out and giving of ourselves, we need some private time. And it is hard to accept that of yourself: It feels like getting into a rut, or sinking into a depressive hole. It is in these times when we need to love ourselves even more, but it is so difficult to do so – especially if family doesn’t always understand.
It can be difficult to explain to family in these times – when I might not fully understand myself – why Sunday on the couch in pajamas watching Top Chef reruns and crocheting is better than leaving and trying to do something. It can be especially frustrating to loved ones when this happens on a recurring basis; or can be seen as an excuse to get out of things.
I find this time of year definitely gets draining and triggers more depressive episodes, although this year seems worse than most. And once I get everything together for Valentine’s Day parties and to make the day special for my daughter, and prepare for my husband’s birthday, I just have nothing left to give – and certainly nothing left to give myself.
There are no easy answers to this. I wish there were, not only would it help my state of mind, it would probably make me fairly wealthy because I know a lot of people feel this way. It is the dirty little secret that we are taught not to talk about. It is seen as unseemly to discuss anxiety or depression. I haven’t even gone to the grocery store in about three to four weeks because I can’t people – I can’t bring myself to go into the store because I’m either going to have a panic attack, or I’m going to lose my temper and go off at someone.
Despite there not being any answers to be found here, what I wanted to do was to share my own feelings and thoughts. Maybe some of you have been feeling the same and felt guilty for having these thoughts; or thought you were alone in this – I just want to say that you are not alone. There are others that feel like you. I do find some safety and security in my yarn and being able to hug my little friends once they are made – but, as much as I still struggle with self-esteem issues and trying to please everyone by doing and being what they want – I am learning to be more accepting of myself. And, if I need Saturdays and Sundays to be PJ days, then that’s what I need – I probably will not always need that, but I do for now, and I am learning to be okay with that.
Thank y’all for reading, as always.
Hugs and cuddles,